


Unhealthy Habits

by icarizu



Category: Marvel (Comics), Spider-Man/Deadpool - Joe Kelly (Comics)
Genre: Gen, No Romance, One Shot, Wade Wilson Breaking the Fourth Wall, a lot of fourth wall breaking, a lot of pop culture references though, dwelling in the past, just bros bein bros, maybe a little romance, spidey cant get over mj, this is reallyyyy short, wade doesnt know spidey's real identity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-23
Updated: 2019-06-23
Packaged: 2020-05-18 11:05:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,192
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19333285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/icarizu/pseuds/icarizu
Summary: In which Wade helps Spider-Man get over his ex-girlfriend.





	Unhealthy Habits

**Author's Note:**

> this is my second ever fic, please be nice to me! :')   
> Anyhoo! This is wholly based on the comics. I love those stupid Spider-Man/Deadpool comics. those are GOOD. I recently started playing the PS4 Spider-Man game and let me tell you -- it was SO GOOD. One thing I noticed though, was how stupidly stuck in the past Peter was. He can't stop thinking about MJ. And like, that broke me. poor peter. So this popped up out of it. It's really short but, I hope you like it anyway!

Tonight was supposed to be another normal, totally perfect evening. Today was Netflix night! Since he didn’t have any more pending missions or jobs, he could have taken the whole day off! No outside interaction. Just he, himself, and the endless selection of movies and tv shows he could watch all day!   
That is, until Spider-Man came knocking at his window. This was supposed to be his private night, and yet, here he was, opening the stupid window for stupid Spider-Man to crawl into his stupid comfy apartment.   
  
Though, it’s not like Wade really minded.   
  
“What is Spider-Man doing at my place? I thought we weren’t friends? You said so a few comic volumes ago.”   
Wade sassed, evidently bitter, immediately pulling the window shut as soon as Spider-Man jumped into the small opening. It was always a wonder how he could fit into the _tiniest_ places. Spider-Man only stood there, nervously fumbling with his hands, pacing across the room, clothed hands visibly trembling. He was obviously troubled. Was Wade in the position to ask what was wrong? Whatever. He liked being nosy. Besides, weren’t they friends? No matter how much the web-slinging superhero wanted to deny it, Wade knew – he knew, deep inside, Spider-Man and Deadpool were friends. Maybe more, wink wink.   
Spider-Man wouldn’t be in his apartment right now if that wasn’t the case.   
  
Right?  
  
“Hey, Webs, you seem out of it. Want to hug it out?”   
Wade joked, turning back to face Spider-Man, eyes clearly showing concern. Spider-Man only looked away, only to look back at Wade. His eyes were concealed behind the lens of his mask, but Wade knew that Spider-Man was having a lot of things going through his mind at this moment. He just didn’t know how to say it.   
  
“Look, I – this is pretty stupid,” Spider-Man began, making himself comfortable on Wade’s couch, much to Wade’s happiness, but of course, he tried to hide that, out of respect for Spidey’s emotions.   
“I need help. I’m having a problem. A . . . love problem. I know it’s weird to come to ask you for help but –” Spider-Man rambled, but Wade only silenced him with a finger to his masked lips.   
“Shh, shh. Did you get someone pregnant?” Wade gasps dramatically, causing Spider-Man to swat the other’s hand away, shaking his head.   
“No! I – look, I came to you because I think you could help! Don’t prove me wrong.” Spider-Man says, his voice unbelievably small and pathetic.  
  
Wade shrugged, scooting beside the superhero.   
“Let it all out, baby boy. Daddy Wade is listening.” He smirked playfully, causing Spider-Man to look away in disgust before looking back, beginning to explain his woes.   
  
“I can’t get over my ex-girlfriend. I mean, it’s been six months ever since she and I broke up, and here I am, still dwelling in the past like an idiot! I keep on thinking about her, I keep on swinging by her place, I keep on – I keep on doing these things to earn her back when I know she won’t take me back! It’s really stupid, and I – God, I hate this whole romance thing.”   
  
Spider-Man groaned, leaning his head back against the surprisingly soft cushions of Wade’s couch. Wade only took a deep breath, getting ready to real talk Spidey. For _real_ , this time. No jokes or dirty innuendos. Maybe a few jokes here and there.   
“We all go through that, Webs. First of all, I’m sorry about your ex-girlfriend. My wife separated with me too, you know. So I know exactly what you’re going through. Second of all, stop trying to win her back, sport. Never gonna work. Distract yourself, maybe go on dates with other women. Or men. I don’t judge. You should really give men a chance, though. You never know –” Wade was cut off by Spider-Man coughing, and he only responded by giving the other a dirty glare, before he continued with his speech.   
“Or you could also take a break. A break from crime-fighting and working altogether. Stay at my place or something, I own a lot of games. You should go try out the PS4 game made about you. It’s really fucking good, I’m not shitting you – I mean, it could have been better if I had a special appearance somewhere, but sadly, it has to be PG. And I am not PG – anyway, my place is always open for you if you need a distraction. Any time you need hole-filling, remember?”   
  
Wade winked, laughing slightly as he reached over to grip Spider-Man’s shoulder.   
  
“Just, you know, stop thinking about her. I know that’s probably a hard thing to do, and you shouldn’t beat yourself up over not being able to move on, but if you keep on dwelling in the past like this, shit will stir. You know it. I’d be more than happy to fill in for the new relationship spot, though, when do you want me to start?”   
  
Spider-Man finally chuckled, and dear God, did that sound like a thousand angels singing a chorus all at once. Wade could swear he could hear babies giggling and kittens purring the moment he heard Spider-Man laugh. He rarely ever laughed when they fought together!   
Anyhoo, Wade was just glad he finally got the web-slinger to laugh, even a little. He meant all of those things, it was a little sad to see Spider-Man treat it as a joke, but hey, anything for Webs!  
  
“Thanks, Wade. I really needed to hear that from someone who actually won’t sugarcoat it for me. I don’t regret coming to you for help. Remind me again why people still don’t consider you a superhero?” He asks, finally standing up from his position on Wade’s undeniably comfortable furniture. A small laugh emitted from Wade, the laugh continuing on as he spoke.   
“Because I un-alive people for a living, baby boy. Now, leave or whatever, I gotta catch up on Brooklyn Nine Nine. Did you know you really remind me of Jake Peralta?”   
  
Spider-Man tilted his head to a side, confused. Yes, blame him for not being able to watch shows nowadays. There is so much crime in New York, Spider-Man hardly had any time to spend for himself.   
  
“Ugh, weirdo. Web off, you stupid spider boy. I’ll see you soon when you’re not wallowing in self pity and bawling over your ex.” Wade waved Spider-Man off. Spider-Man began his travel to the same window he crawled into, opening it once more. He looked back at Wade, about to leave.   
  
Before he did disappear for a while, though, the web-slinger raised his mask, first above his lips, then above his nose, then above his eyes. Spider-Man finally showed himself to Wade, and Wade was left thinking: _How the hell did someone ever let go of this handsome fuck?  
_  
“Thanks, Wade. I appreciate it. Name’s Peter, by the way. Peter Parker.” Peter grinned, before he jumped off, and out into the night time scenery that New York was always famous for.   
  
Wade sat there, eyes wide.   
  
_Oh my god._  
  
Spider-Man is Peter Parker.  
Peter Parker is Spider-Man.   
  
Deadpool had a contract to kill Peter Parker.   
  
Oh, **fuck**. 


End file.
